Free guide · 2 to 4 years
She can't brake yet. Here are 7 lines that brake for her.
As promised: 7 exact lines for hitting, biting and tantrums in the mall. Say them low, once, and stay close.
Short words, low voice, your hands doing the stopping.
Our lines as parents, not a script from a study. Change the words to sound like you.
- Hitting: "I won't let you hit. I'm holding your hands." If she fights it, let go, step back, keep others out of reach.
- Biting: First check on the child who was bitten. Then say: "Teeth are for food. I'm moving you back now."
Kicking on the floor: "You're safe. I'm right here." Move things away from her feet, and wait beside her.
Wanting the toy: "You want it so much. We're not buying it today. Let's take a photo of it and show Papa tonight."
- Throwing: "I'll keep this safe until your hands are calm."
- "I don't like you!": "You're angry with me. I'm still here."
Later, when she is calm: "The shop said no to the doll, and you felt so angry. Next time, you can say 'I'm angry!' or stamp your feet."
Is she angry, or sad? They need different help.
This is the angry part. Talking does not reach her yet. Keep her and others safe, use very few words, and wait close by. Do not argue or explain now.
This is the sad part. Now she can take comfort. Open your arms, hold her if she wants, and say "That was hard." This is when the hug helps.
A study of 335 children aged 18 months to 5 years found tantrums have two separate parts, anger and distress (Potegal and Davidson, 2003). Which help to give in each part is our advice as parents.
Self-control is a skill that grows with practice, and it grows fast in the play-school years.
Harvard Center on the Developing Child, "InBrief: Executive Function" (2012). Self-control, working memory and flexible thinking are built over childhood, not present at birth.
Tap for what to say to them, or to yourself.
Your job is her, not the crowd.
Anger usually comes early. Sadness comes later and stays a little longer.
Match your help to the part you see.
Angry: keep her safe, few words.
Angry and sad: stay close.
Sad: hug her, say "That was hard."
Calm: name the feeling, teach the words.
A picture of the idea, not data. Potegal and Davidson (2003) found anger usually comes early in a tantrum and distress comes later; the help at each stage is our advice as parents.
One small practice a day, for 7 days.
Tick each day. It saves on this phone.
0 of 7: Start today.
She is kicking and screaming on the mall floor. What helps most right now?
Kicking and screaming is the angry part. Explaining does not reach her yet. Safety, few words and your calm presence do. Talk about it later, when she is calm. Our advice as parents, not a study.
Never hit or bite back to "show her". It teaches the thing you want to stop. Talk to a children's doctor if hitting or biting hurts others most days, if tantrums are very long and happen many times a day, or if she often hurts herself.
I am Manjunath. I built a maze for my daughter, and these guides are what I learnt on the way.
A car at 80 can't stop the second you brake. A 2-year-old at full anger can't either.
Read my story →
Practise slow, careful hands when nobody is upset.
On our mazes she guides each piece home slowly with the magnet pen. No lights, no sounds. It will not stop a tantrum; it gives her hands a slow job on the calm days. Krishna's Farm Friends: birch wood, sealed magnets, EN-rated paint, 15 months and up.
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